Upon reading my article Forgiveness and the Power of Ho’oponopono, one of our readers asked me:
“I feel like I have been done wrong. My wife left me just after I had surgery on my leg. Coming home after recovery, I broke my leg and lost my hip as a consequence. If my wife had been there for me, this would not have happened.
I resent that she can so easily move on and I feel that I will never be able to. How can I possibly forgive her?”
When life is presenting us with challenge after challenge, our mind often conveniently dismisses any responsibility for what is “happening to us”. It easily points a finger at another person for being the cause of our suffering and pain.
At that point, we are identified with the “victim” archetype. Since it is obviously too painful to look at our own issues, we blame others for the misfortune in our life.
Fact is that you create your reality. No one else but you is responsible for what is happening to you. And truly, nothing ever “happens” to you unless you create it, whether you do so consciously or not.
First you need to know that the thoughts you think are your own, are not. Any thought that generates negative emotions such as pain, sadness, unhappiness etc. cannot possibly be real as it is coming from a mental space. Those thoughts are connected to mental patterning and to three “pillars of identification” that make up the foundation of your very own personality construct.¹
In order to step away from this identification, you need to become the neutral observer of your thoughts and your situation. Stay out of the judgment whether what is occurring is good or bad, but simply examine the thoughts that come in.
You will realize that there is an aspect within you that loves to play the victim and that actually has an addiction to drama.
Your mind might tell you that it is quite preposterous to think that you would purposefully create suffering and pain in your life.
Who, in his or her sane mind, would do such a thing?
Yet, it is exactly what is going on.
You give your power away to someone else (the person you blame) and make them responsible for your health and your happiness, or the lack thereof.
As long as you are identified with being the victim, you will recreate these experiences over and over again in some fashion or other. The content of situations and events may change but the construct remains the same. As a result, you will stay miserable.
Nothing is outside of you, since what you see around you is but a projection and a reflection of what is happening within. Love does not come from an external source, nor does happiness or anything else. These attributes are generated within, in the heart space, the Akene. It starts with loving self, realizing that it is you who is responsible for whatever you see reflected in the outside world. You are the creator of your reality.
Often, when a relationship has become dysfunctional and we don’t want to acknowledge that fact because this would mean that we would have to take action, we subconsciously create another situation to remedy the one we don’t want to deal with. In your example, the issue with your leg could have been created in order to subconsciously force your partner to stay. This might sound crazy, I know — but it is how mind works.
Your question how to forgive your wife then starts right there, in your very own heart. You forgive yourself for identifying with the victim as you acknowledge that no one else but you generated those events in your life in the first place.
With some honest and neutral examination of your current situation, you should be able to figure out what is really behind the issues in your life. By doing that you take charge of your reality. Rather than feeling the victim of what is happening, you realize that you created that situation for (a) specific reason(s).
When that reason is seen and acknowledged, solutions and new potentials will present themselves to you. You will be able to forgive your wife, or anyone for that matter, because you now realize that no one besides you can possibly be responsible for your issues.
The longer you carry anger, sadness, unhappiness and all these emotions with you, the more you will prolong your own misery. And that does not serve anyone — least of all you!
So, as your wife has taken charge of her life by leaving a dysfunctional relationship, so can you. By forgiving yourself for believing the stories that your mind is feeding you and by forgiving your wife for leaving you and being able to move on, you release all those negative emotions and create an opening for something new to emerge in your life.
I trust that this answers your question.
¹ To find out what your pillars of identification are, you can book a Rising Session with one of my colleagues, Kwan Yin, or me — or an Ascension Scan with Kwan Yin. This will help you to clearly understand your personality construct and your patterning, which makes it easier to stop identifying with any of them.
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